“THE LOVERS’ STAND IN THE HEARTLOCKED SEMATARY”

(C. DeCracken)

 

[Guest: Dean Koontz (in italics)]

 

 

[drums and synths]

You’re not wearing that, are you?

[b/g vocals] Well, obviously not now

 

[guitar (left speaker) and bass (right speaker)]

Do you love me? You never say it

[b/g vocals] Of course I love you; can I get back to work now?

 

[drums and guitar]

Don’t complain; I’m doing this for you

[b/g vocals] If you really want to do something for me, don’t talk so much

 

[guitars]

I’m a princess, and I deserve to be treated like one

[b/g vocals] Yeah right, Princess Ursula maybe; wake up Sleeping Ugly

 

[audio track (mild static)]

Breaking news. After years of denial and mounting evidence, Stephen King has confessed to writing under the alias of Danielle Steel. Upon his confession, he stated “I dug myself into a hole too deep to get out of. I betrayed my fans and my family. I am deeply sorry, and I deserve whatever happens.”

 

[audio track (mild static)]

This just in. Bestselling and recently denounced writer Stephen King has been murdered by fans. Stephen King’s family has decided not to press charges and urged the police not to investigate. One son referred to his father as “a lying pile of butts.” His funeral will be held in secret to protect the family. His grave will be unmarked to avoid vandalism.

 

I came from humble beginnings

I acquired fame and fortune

I got lost in myself, took advantage of my power

Now my sins have come full circle

 

I made my own Hell

 

It wouldn’t hurt you to tell me I look pretty every now and then

You always talk about that; you never talk about me

My father always did it for me; why can’t you?

 

I fell into a land of darkness

A world of flames and pain

A world of murder and monsters

Was this my second chance?

 

I thought all my dreams had come true

But then I saw him, a marvel among men

The King of Hell, the Prince of Darkness

I knew he would be mine

 

You should know what I want; I shouldn’t have to tell you

Do you still find me attractive?

What is that supposed to mean?

 

His stature so demanding

His voice so strong

He controlled a legion of servants

He held the riches of the swindlers

 

We frolicked like teenagers

We laughed and gazed into each others’ eyes

He helped me with my father issues

I taught him to read and open up

 

I shouldn’t have to tell you; you should already know

I’m doing this for you

No, it’s fine. It’s fine

 

But then tragedy struck

He was destined to fall by the might of Heaven

And I was exposed for my secret alias

We were apart and heartbroken

 

We realized we couldn’t live without each other

He recognized I hid my secret to protect him

I promised we’d die in each others’ arms on his fateful day

We learned to love again

 

You should accept me for my flaws

Obviously ruling Hell is more important to you than me

No, I married you for your potential, not who you already are

 

But I would only be one

among his millions of husbands and wives

How would I keep him?

How would he always love me?

 

[guitars and synths]

[spoken]

All these trials. All these hardships. How can I ensure his love and eternal devotion? Of course! Why couldn’t I see it before? The answer was there from the beginning. Bitch! I’ll bitch all the time! Then he’ll like me even more and see me for the perfect treasure I am and be forever faithful

 

Why do you have to make me feel so bad about being wrong?

You cheated on me in my dream; why is that?

Are you too proud to say that you were wrong?

 

I’ll never leave him

I’ll always have him

I’ll always find something to say

I’ll keep him worn and ashamed

 

But deep inside I know

He’d never have it any other way

 

I just wish he’d appreciate it more

 

[audio fades]

You're not growing your beard out again, are you?

I wasn’t raised with criticism; I was told everything I did was cute

Is it really that hard to say you love me in front of your slaves?

Do you think your other wives are prettier than me?

Why are demons so afraid to wear pink; it doesn’t make you any less evil

 

* This song caused major controversy having Dean Koontz instead of Stephen King as the guest vocalist. Cactus Bastard stated that they asked Stephen King to be the guest vocalist, but he declined. Some conspiracy theorists claim the Danielle Steel alias is true, but Stephen King took a brave stand against Cactus Bastard’s attempt at blackmailing him into their song.

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